I had a hard weekend. Saturday it was difficult to get and stay out of bed. Sunday was slightly better, as I was able to go out to lunch with my husband and daughter, but I still struggled with depression and anxiety all day. I haven’t been doing well since I was in the hospital, but the situation became more acute this weekend.
Now I am taking double doses of Prozac and waiting for my new antidepressant to arrive. This past summer I was on Prozac but asked to switch to something else because I felt like it was burning out. I wanted to switch to trintellix but initially balked at the price because it’s not fully covered by insurance, so I went on Zoloft instead. For me taking Zoloft is a lot like eating Skittles.
So when I realized last week that the Zoloft just wasn’t going to kick in and do anything I called my doctor back and requested a prescription for the trintellix. But to save money I’m getting it through Express Scripts Pharmacy and they are taking forever to fill it. They got the order last Wednesday and it is now Monday and they still haven’t filled my order so nothing’s even in the mail yet. So I’m just hanging out with my old Prozac, since it’s better than Zoloft, and waiting.
Everything feels like it takes so much energy when I am like this. Getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and my hair, driving, housework… The list goes on.
Insinuating sorrows imply
I haven’t earned my crags and gashes.
What a diamond life I lead
Under equally asymptomatic rain.
Mood like a leaf,
a falling leaf beautiful and dead.
I appreciate normalcy because it’s gone.
Quickly my neurons shudder,
power plants going cold.
Please someone find a rake,
pull me together.
Light a candle so I can see my way out of this darkness.
Religion and faith
are best friends,
The law is a locket with His picture and
my neighbor’s picture inside.
I build cathedrals from beads and bubble gum.
I am a girl safe
in her Father’s arms,
dressed in silk and velvet,
diamonds at my throat.
He covers my war-torn wrists
Beneath sinister stars
I am attacked by sunset
stealing my hope at gunpoint.
God I am terrified of the back of my eyelids
Mania is sweeping
My front door step,
is dancing a jig on my lawn.
My blood is caffeine.
All my colors are hotter than yours.
They burn me,
and turn me on
like a sick freak lover with a cigarette
Serrated sight stabs
the letters of my name.
My face is hooked to a vacuum
sucking my breath.
Why are the worst battles noiseless?
A little thunderstorm runs around my feet
Then skitters under the sofa.
He is one of many.
I see them in my cabinets sometimes
and once walked into millions of them in the attic.
A feral book leaps off his shelf and
onto the lonely sofa I no longer sit on
because I cannot linger.
My disease watches me all the time,
nestled in my skull.
It will attack me from the side
Rip my smiles open and empty them out.
I work all day to stay on the move.
Light is always trying to hide behind the future
so I am constantly pushing millions of beams forward.
The shy scent of water cloaks me
as the desert outside the window searches for me.
More bones are always needed.
My disease sings.
My disease plays.
My disease paints the back
Of my eyelids with sand.
The thunderstorms feed
on my crumbling tears