Anorexia

A forbidden food is silly

but demonic and understandable

on a Tuesday when you clock in

(If people can turn clock into a verb for such

nefarious purposes, they need to stay away from my sofa and window.)

and you feel five feet wide and are at least 1.

Chocolate bars are exotic and exciting. Do not listen to

the pizza. He will charm you out of your 2s and into 10s.

Eat your salad.

It wants to die,

is dying,

wants you to follow along.

Ignore the demeaning soda. It hates you.

Your teeth whither.

Why are all the women in bigger sizes so much smaller than you?

Your bones shrink at the reproach.

Anorexia 2

Food is excellent,

almost smells necessary.

So does everything that possesses you

 

If only people could turn off the clock and wean themselves from his

nefarious purposes…

 

You feel five feet wide and are at least 1.

On the counter,

chocolate in all his attractions. Do not listen to him.

Eat your salad.

This is hate.

Your teeth flicker on and off.

Your bones shrink in disgrace.

Weighty Matters

Lately I’m not totally happy with my weight. It isn’t that I want to be thin again. I don’t really. I’d rather eat what I want and be fluffy. I even like being fluffy. I think it suits me more than being skinny. I have disproportionately large breasts, so being skinny just makes me look a little weird in my opinion, like a snake that swallowed two watermelons. But I’d love to be about 20 pounds lighter. I’m definitely more than 20 pounds heavier than slim, but I’d like to lose 20 pounds. I was supremely happy with my weight at 175/180. I like plus size clothes, but I miss having the option to wear regular size clothes. I’m a size 18, so I’m one size too big to shop in regular departments. Gone are my days of shopping at Macy’s.

The problems are these: I like food, I’m on heavy psychiatric medication, i have hypothyroidism, and I cannot do my old favorite forms of exercise very much. I used to be really in to walking and for the past year or more I’ve been unable to really take a good long walk because of my problems with my foot – problems two foot surgeries have not fixed. Walking was my favorite form of exercise. I used to go on nightly one hour walks, with a little bit of running thrown in.

I need to find a new form of exercise. I’m thinking of swimming, but I don’t have a pool and it is time consuming to drive to the pool. Plus, the pool lap swimming hours don’t work with my schedule. I’d love a trampoline to jump on, but we are moving to military housing in January when we go to Colorado and I don’t think trampolines are allowed there – and it isn’t worth the money to buy one for just one summer and fall. And honestly, I’m not sure how much impact my foot can really take. My problem tends to be more with bending my foot than putting impact on it, but impact hurts too.

Then I think I could count calories again, but I don’t miss the days of my life where I counted calories. It was miserable. I don’t want food, or the lack of it, taking up that much space in my head. I don’t want to count everything I eat. Still, if I want to get back in to size 16s or 14s I need to eat less and move more.

Why does size matter? Why can’t they make the same clothes in all sizes? And why do I put this pressure on myself? Society tries to put pressure on me, but I don’t read fashion magazines anymore and I’m old enough to pay no mind to the tv, so I don’t know if that is where the pressure is coming from. My husband doesn’t put pressure on me and loves me the way I am.

Am I really unhappy with my weight or am I unhappy with something else? Sometimes unhappiness about other areas of myself manifests in unhappiness with my weight. Even when I was skinny I was miserable about my body because I was miserable about other things. So how do I separate my feelings about my body from my feelings about other things? How does one love their body the way it is and yet try to change it at the same time?

I can’t put pressure on myself to lose weight, or I’ll go too far. You’d never know it to see me now, but I used to have two eating disorders. I’m an obsessive person by nature. Calorie counting becomes the focus, vomiting becomes regular. I don’t ever want to go back to that. But why is it that sometimes I can love myself the way I am and other times I can’t? How do you lose weight without dieting? How can I enjoy life and enjoy the foods that I like while still making sure I don’t go up a dress size? And why am I not good at this balance? Being size 18 is not bad, but I’d like to be a 16 or a 14, and I don’t want to go up to a 20 as I get older.

How can I get happy with my weight again, either by losing weight or by loving myself as I am?

Pro Ana Eating Disorder Websites, AKA Thinspiration

Olivia

 

Bridges of rubber band

of twine                                               do not bend under your emptiness

the handsomeness of starvation, of Ana has you blind.

She is a surgeon

She will remove you piece-mail.

I am collecting the hair that falls exhausted from your head,

to bind a textbook,

a book I will write in your name about control

having it and losing it and needing it

and the freeing beauty of being human, of need, the pleasantry of a satisfied hunger.

Let shame bleed out under the table.

This is your body. This thinly flowing soup your blood.

 

This is our last supper.

Dine.

*There was a time in my life where I used to pour over pro Ana, thinspiration websites. I bookmarked pictures of girls so thin their bones would show and would use those photographs as inspiration not to eat the next time I was hungry. The pro anorexia world is dark, lonely, and evil and I feel pain for the girls and women who are lost in its vortex.

Anorexia

A forbidden food is silly

but demonic and understandable

on a Tuesday when you clock in

(If people can turn clock into a verb for such

nefarious purposes, they need to stay away from my sofa and window.)

and you feel five feet wide and are at least 1.

Chocolate bars are exotic and exciting. Do not listen to

the pizza. He will charm you out of your 2s and into 10s.

Eat your salad.

It wants to die,

is dying,

wants you to follow along.

Ignore the demeaning soda. It hates you.

Your teeth whither.

Why are all the women in bigger sizes so much smaller than you?

Your bones shrink at the reproach.