Faith

I have faith that Christ is my savior, that He is the way, the truth, and the life, and that no one comes to the Father except through Him.

In so many other things though, I do not have enough faith, or even any faith at all. I get so worried, for instance, that for whatever the reason when Craig is up for his next set of orders there will be literally nothing in Norfolk. This is mostly ridiculous. Norfolk is the biggest Naval base in the country. There is bound to be something there for him. And if it is God’s will that we go back to Norfolk, He will make a way. And I really must hope and  believe that He will make a way, because I long to live near my parents again. I miss them. I need their support. My daughter needs to grow up with grandparents actively involved in her life. God hears the longing of my heart and knows my needs, and I must believe that He will provide. And if His answer to this prayer is no, I must have enough faith to follow His path and remember that He orders all things to our good. If God’s answer is no, I must go where He sends me. But my God is a loving God and knows what I need.

For now, in this difficult season of being so far from my parents and support system, I must learn to lean on God. I still need my meds. I still need friends. And no matter how far away I am, I need my parents and call them and text them as much as I can, and visit them as often as I can. But I need to rely on God too, as my strength and refuge. How can I build my faith? My Bible studies and devotionals and other books on various aspects of the Christian life certainly help. I think the fact we are beginning to go to church again will help too. But I think I need to spend more time simply abiding in God.  Simply feeling His presence, acknowledging His hand in every area of my life.

Sometimes I worry about how well we will do when Craig gets out of the Navy. Will there be a job for him? How much will it pay? Where will it be? I try to remember that God provides (and of course, we will have that pension, which many people don’t have), but it is hard. I know the economy isn’t good and a lot of smart, educated, skilled, and experienced people are out of work or making very little. But God will provide us with what we need, and if we do go through hard times God will watch over us.

I am currently on meds that are working absolutely fantastic. I haven’t had a mood swing in weeks and I’ve been getting up early. But I am so worried that they will burn out, as every drug I’ve ever taken has. If they do burn out though, I will have to lean on God until I find something else that does work. But for now, I shouldn’t be worried about when these drugs will quit. I should be enjoying this very pleasant ride. Only God knows what the future holds, but right now I have it pretty good.

I have so little faith in so many areas. I have little faith that my daughter will find a good Christian to marry, that the world will be a safe enough place for her to make her way in. And so many other things. I need more faith. Faith can move mountains. Why is it I believe in God so fervently, but do not rely on Him?

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Madonna and Child (Me to Mary)

This is not my finest hour,
Thoughts encrusted with sin
Crotch raging and wet.

Hold me, Madonna.
Remember I am a child in this vast ageless world,
Writhing in ecstatic agony.
What did you feel on your wedding night,
When you realized the black terror of earning your
Scandalized neighbors?

The Excitement of Christianity

Being a Christian is exciting. I got brand new devotionals on Saturday, the first devotionals I have ever had. We went to Books a Million and I found so many I loved that I just couldn’t stop. One of them even talks about headcovering. That spoke to me immediately. But all sorts of topics are covered, and they are designed for women. One focuses on women of the Bible and verses addressed to women. Another has morning and evening reflections for each day based on scripture. Another is a Biblical meditation on finding beauty.

If you like self improvement, living creatively, creativity and art, studying, reading, and anything timeless then Christianity is a thrill. Personally, I love always having something I’m working on, and my faith always gives me new goals to accomplish. Whether it’s delving deeper into the Bible, working on my personal relationships, or practicing submission, the quest to follow my Savior always means I’m a work in progress. I like that feeling.

Worship creates so many opportunities for creative people because there are so many ways to worship God. Singing, writing, painting, crafting, graphic design, photography,carpentry, and so many other things can be used to worship God.

If you like reading, the Bible is an amazing book because no matter how many times you read it you will stumble across verses that feel brand new because you are seeing them in a new light. I recently read one page of the Bible ten times in a row and it was so thought provoking that I’m going back to that page. As I get older and have new life experiences, verses speak to me in ways they didn’t used to. One verse can apply to numerous subjects and situations. I love education and discovery, and I feel like I get an education every time I open the Bible.

Maybe one of the most exciting things about Christianity for me is that it isn’t fashionable. It’s not cool. It’s timeless and unchanging. It’s more vintage than vintage. And yet, like a dancer, my faith is flexible, pirouetting gracefully from era to era, just as full of energy and vitality today as it was at its birth.

Christ is electric ecstasy.

God Like a Spider

The devil is in the trees feeding off

birds and butterflies,

his grim business shattering in silver teeth.

 

God is in the trees spinning webs

Soft, silky, and verdant like a blanket of grass.

 

Spiders fear him.

 

He longs to draw me to Him,

to slip his gentle fangs in my hurt and anesthetize me,

suck out my misery and take it into Him

bleeding for me.

Godless

On an idolatrous planet

a gold vessel waits to be filled with something better than itself.

Throngs love themselves.

A yellow leaf on a lonely planet

crunches beneath a confused boot.